12.2.09

world within the word

The above title is stolen from the William H. Gass essay collection of the same name. The words caught my eye as I was scanning a bookshelf for the solace it always brings me when I do so. It lead me to think about my tortured relationship with words, and my constant pressing wish to be able to manipulate them to my will. When it comes to the act of writing, I hesitate again and again because I am certain that I cannot do the words justice: their place in my mind and their place on the page are so dissonant that reconciliation of the two seems impossible. And yet I hope, continually.

I was under the self-created impression that I was on the verge of making a transition, but it would seem that I am just as reluctant as before. Will it be enough for me to continue to hang onto the words of others, their brilliance blinding me enough to crouch and whimper and utter, I am not worthy! Can I derive enough satisfaction from that reality?

And a reality it most certainly is...my world does, without a hint of doubt, lie within the word, or perhaps it is more appropriate to invert that sentiment into, the word itself is the world; this is where I reside (for now, I am happy to rent, but a time will come when owning will seem more logical).

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